Chapter 9 of your primary text, Intimate Relationships, explores the topic of attitudes related to casual sex. After reading the information presented in the text about this topic, please share your thoughts and reactions. 
Do you feel attitudes have changed about this topic? 
What are your views on casual sex? 
Do you feel men are given a “free pass” when it comes to casual sex where as women are  judged more harshly?Also, what do you think about dating others at work or having non-professional, personal relationships with co-workers? How might  this kind of relationship complicate communications at the workplace
Introduction
Topics to be covered include:
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Love
The triangular theory of love
Romantic love
Companionate love
Compassionate love
Cultural and individual differences
Sexuality
Sexual behavior
Sexual satisfaction
Sexual coercion
This lesson will cover the subjects of love and sexuality. To begin with, we will reflect on what
love means to us, and then we will explore the triangular theory of love. We will look at three
kinds of love, romantic love, companionate love and compassionate love. We will then explore
the physiology of love and the cultural and individual influences on love. Thereafter, we will
move onto a section about sexuality, where we will look at how sexual practices and beliefs have
changed over the recent generations. We will investigate the sexual behaviour that occurs in first
time sexual encounters and in committed relationships, where we will include a discussion about
infidelity. Finally, we will explore sexual satisfaction and sexual coercion.
Love
Contemplate those three little words most people long to hear, ‘I love you.’ What do they really
mean? Do they mean the same thing to all people? Who usually verbally communicates love
first, men or women?
It may surprise you that men actually communicate love first and are the happier of the two sexes
when receiving a communication of love, according to Ackerman, Griskevicius and Le (2011).
These researchers also reveal that there are a number of different meanings and circumstances
surrounding confessions of love. Significant elements in their research are timing and function of
saying ‘I love you.’ They conclude from earlier work on the subject that the first confession is
strongly linked to communicating intimacy and searching for commitment. Also, Ackerman,
Griskevicius and Le (2011) explain that earlier research reveals that expression of love before a
sexual relationship starts is closely tied to a relationship moving forward and lessens
dissatisfaction with sexual activity.
Although you may consider it clinical that behind the expression ‘I love you’ are costs and
benefits, they are indeed there, according to Ackerman, Griskevicius, and Le (2011). The authors
point out that, for women, the costs are directly correlated to birthing and parenting children
(physical costs), whereas the costs to men are primarily economic. Women are more interested in
ensuring suitability, but men are more interested in sexual engagement. When confessions of
love and commitment are expressed early on, sexual activity can be promoted by the man in the
relationship, but can cause potential costs to the woman if she has not adequately evaluated him.
Of course, the initial confession of love may have one purpose, but as many of you know, saying
or hearing ‘I love you’ is not a once-in-a-lifetime experience. So think about what saying or
hearing ‘I love you’ means and has meant to you. What it means to be married in the modern era
in Western culture is quite different to what it meant a few decade before and in many other
cultures. Previously, marriage meant a political, economic and family alliances, whereas in
Western culture today, we generally require love, romance and passion as a condition of
marriage. However, since passion and romance fade over time, do you think this is a reasonable
basis to make a lasting commitment on? Would you marry someone you were not passionate
about, but who had all the right qualities for a lasting, happy relationship?
The Triangular Theory of Love
Sternberg’s (1987, 2006) triangular theory of love depicts love as having three sides: intimacy,
passion and commitment. Passion is the heat of a relationship and is governed by sex drive,
intimacy is the warmth of the relationship and s governed by emotion, and commitment is the
cool-headed ability to make decisions that benefit the relationship long-term, and is governed by
the intellect.
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If all three sides are missing from a relationship, then the relationship is a casual
acquaintance.
If there is intimacy in a relationship but no commitment and passion, then liking occurs,
such as in friendships.
If there is passion in a relationship without intimacy and commitment, then it is referred
to as infatuation.
If there is commitment but no passion and intimacy, then it is empty love.
If there is intimacy and passion, we call it romantic love.
If the relationship contains intimacy and commitment, it is companionate love. This kind
of love is what makes a happy, lasting marriage, and is founded on good communication
and care for one another.
If a relationship comprises passion and commitment without intimacy, a fatuous
relationship occurs, which typically has no substance.
When a substantial amount of intimacy, passion and commitment are present,
consummate or complete love exists.
This kind of love is difficult to maintain over time.
Naturally, relationships are not always as clearly defined as this, and may contain varying
degrees of each factor. The point is that love is multifaceted and complex, and factors change
over time – particularly passion. What does love mean to you?
The Physiology of Love
Physiologically, passion, lust or sexual desire are distinct biological processes from intimacy and
commitment. Sexual drive is governed by the sex hormones and motivates us to reproduce.
Attraction fuels romantic love and causes us to pair with a mate. Interestingly, attraction is
regulated by the neurotransmitter dopamine in the parts of the brain that govern feelings of
reward. This is why we feel exhilarated, excited or even euphoric when falling in love.
Attachment, security and commitment is regulated by oxytocin which is a neuropeptide.
Romantic Love
When we are in love with someone, sexual arousal or sexual attraction plays a major role.
However, arousal fuels sexual attraction – in fact, any sort of arousal, whether it is arousal from
exercise, fear, anger or laughter, fuels sexual attraction. Do you know which hormone is
responsible for arousal? Adrenaline is. This is why ‘make-up sex’ or the passion felt after a fight
with a romantic partner is renowned for being so great.
Our thoughts, beliefs and judgements are also responsible for arousal since they determine our
interpersonal attitudes. Our interpersonal attitudes include our judgements about intimacy,
caring, dependence and longing for our mate. We also think about our mate’s qualities that make
them more attractive to us. For instance, when we are in love with someone we often perceive
that they have above average qualities, talents or personality traits. In other words, we usually
idealize or glorify the person we are in love with.
This kind of distorted perception refers to confirmation bias, whereby we only see the
information that agrees with our opinions, while any information to the contrary is distorted or
ignored. Hence the saying ‘love is blind.’ When we are at the peak of being in love with
someone, it is difficult to concentrate on anyone or anything else, even our beloved’s
shortcomings or ineptness. When we have been with someone for a long time, when we marry or
start living together, this is usually when the passion begins to fade and we begin to see them
more realistically.
Our thoughts about ourselves also change when we fall in love. Our self-concept improves, our
range of experiences increase, we take up new roles and we learn more about the positive aspects
of ourselves. This is another reason that falling in love is so pleasurable. The combination of all
these factors that comprise passionate, romantic love most often form the basis of marriage in the
present era of Western culture.
Companionate Love
Companionate love is more stable than romantic love as it does not rely on passion, but on the
trust, respect and affection for a likeable partner. Companionate love is also based on shared
interests and enjoyment. Unlike the urgent desire and blinding passion of romantic love,
companionate love is focused on liking the person you have come to know and regarding them as
your best friend. Companionate love is thus driven by clear perception, but is deeper and richer
than friendship, and does not confuse passion and sexual arousal with love, intimacy and
commitment.
As we have already learned, oxytocin is the neuropeptide associated with attachment and
commitment. It is released during childbirth and breastfeeding, is associated with stress reduction
and relaxation, and is produced during orgasm. When we have high levels of oxytocin, we have
the capacity to deal with stressful or touchy situations in a warm, calm, kind manner, and our
well-being and trustfulness is also equally high.
Interestingly, both oxytocin (which regulates attachment and well-being) and dopamine (which
regulates passion and reward) are always present in the body, so we must remember that the lines
between companionate and romantic love are not as distinct in reality as they are in theory.
Compassionate Love
Compassionate love is not included in the triangular theory of love, but it is an essential
component of successful romances. Compassionate love is the altruistic care we have for our
partner’s wellbeing and growth, as well as the intimacy that comes from empathy, trust,
thoughtfulness and understanding. Unsurprisingly, compassionate lovers take pleasure in being
generous and supporting their partners, and provide their partners with more support than less
compassionate lovers do. In fact, the more compassionate behaviors that spouses engage in, the
more satisfied they are with their relationship (Fehr & Sprecher, 2013).
According to Reis, Maniaci and Rogge (2014), compassionate behaviors include expressions of
caring, affection and tenderness, being there for the person, voluntarily doing something
thoughtful or special for them, putting their goals and wishes ahead of our own, changing or
adapting our plans for their sake, being open and receptive to what they say, accepting them and
not being judgmental towards them, and showing them that we admire or respect them for the
people they are. While compassionate love often includes romantic and companionate love, it
also includes an accurate conception of our partners’ strengths and weaknesses. Compassionate
love reflects partners’ love for each other despite their weaknesses.
Cultural Differences
Romantic love is common to all cultures even though it is not the basis of marriage in all
cultures. The qualities important in a lover differ when we compare individualistic cultures like
the United States and collectivistic cultures like China and Japan. Research by Riela, Rodriguez,
Aron, Xu and Acevedo (2010) showed that in individualistic cultures, attraction is more driven
by the partner’s good looks and the similarities that the lovers share, while fantasies center on
romance and living happily ever after. In collectivistic cultures, attraction is driven more by
others’ opinions, desirable personality traits and the individual’s physical arousal.
Moreover, collectivistic cultures tend to acknowledgement that love is a mixed blessing and
partners are generally accepted as being incomprehensible (Jackson, Chen, Guo & Gao, 2006).
Which cultural perception of love and marriage do you think is most realistic?
Individual Differences
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Individual Differences
Problems Caused by Attachment Styles
Genders Similar
When Romance Fades
Individual differences have a substantial impact on the success or failure of relationships due to a
person’s attachment style and any issues around abandonment, intimacy and self-esteem.
Attachment styles understandably play a great role in an individual’s capacity to have high
regard and concern for others. Insecurely attached individuals are more wary and less trusting,
and view others with fear, anxiety, suspicion and/or disinterest. Securely attached individuals
tend to self-disclose more and be more comfortable with intimacy.
Individuals with an anxious-avoidant or preoccupied attachment style have more drama and
excitement with their romances, but much of the excitement is unpleasant due to the intense fear
and anxiety they have of relationships and acceptance. Securely attached individuals enjoy a
deeper level of stability, connection, enjoyment and commitment in their relationships, while
avoidant individuals are more impersonal, detached and distant.
Sexuality
Why are sex, romance and love so intertwined? Why is our sexual satisfaction reliant on the
health and nature of our relationships? Why have sexual attitudes changed in recent generations?
Do people generally prefer casual one night stands to loving relationships?
Bradshaw, Kahn and Saville(2010) and Reiber and Garcia (2010) found that on the whole,
people prefer dating to one night stands, although men are more permissive and have less regrets
about casual sex than women do. Our culture’s sexual double standard promotes multiple sexual
partners for men, but labels women as ‘sluts’ or ‘easy’ when they have the same number of
partners. Similarly, many people condemn same sex relationships, although with time, they are
becoming increasingly acceptable.
As with mixed race couples, when people are exposed to same sex couples, they become more
accepting of people who are different to them, and since young people are more likely to be
exposed to same sex couples and watch TV shows that cast homosexuals in a positive light,
young people are generally more accepting of homosexuality than older people. Importantly,
research has found that sexual preferences are often hardwired into one’s genes thus adding
another dimension to argument of why people should not be judged for their sexual identity and
preferences (Horstman, 2012; Långström, Rahman, Carlström & Lichtenstein, 2010).
Sexual Behavior
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First Time Sex
Most young adults have had sex by the age of 20 and before they get married. The teen
birth rate is decreasing as most young people use a form of contraception. However, more
than a quarter of teenage girls get a sexually transmitted disease, generally the human
papillomavirus (HPV) for which there is a vaccination.
Teens usually have sex for the first time within their steady relationships, and males tend
to enjoy it more since they orgasm more easily. Sex before the age of 16 tends to be less
satisfying and is related to risky, promiscuous sexual behaviors that endure into
adulthood, and is also related to higher divorce rates (Paik, 2011; Huibregtse,
Bornovalova, Hicks, McGue & Iacono, 2011; Walsh, Ward, Caruthers & Merriwether,
2011). Generally, the longer couples wait to have sex, the more satisfying the sex is and
the better the relationship outcomes tend to be (Willoughby, Carroll & Busby, 2014).
Sexual Satisfaction
Most people have satisfying sex lives when they are in stable relationships and enjoy good
physical and sexual health. Around half of all aging people experience a decline in health and
sexual satisfaction. Older people tend to have more satisfying sex lives when they are in deeply
committed relationships and when they are healthy, and couples generally feel satisfied with
their sex lives when they have sex around three times a week.
People also feel satisfied with their sex lives when they fulfill three fundamental human needs:
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Autonomy: choosing when we want to engage in sex and controlling the kinds of sexual
encounters we have.
Competence: Feeling capable and confident.
Relatedness: Feeling accepted, wanted and connected.
Traditional sex roles may make sex less satisfying for one or both partners. If the man insists on
being in control and that the woman should be passive, the woman may not be able to reach
orgasm, making sex less satisfying for her, and limiting her self-expression, autonomy and
pleasure. If the woman believes that she should be passive and not take the lead, the man may
not feel desired and may not enjoy always having to take the lead and be in control.
Importantly, the reason people have sex determines their pleasure and satisfaction. If we consider
the approach and avoidance motivations that we learned about in Lesson 3, we can see that when
we have sex to gain rewards such as intimacy, connection and pleasure, it will be more satisfying
than if we have sex to avoid costs such as not upsetting or rejecting our partner or to prevent
them from losing interest in us. The reason for this is simply that when we approach rewards we
have positive feelings and thoughts, but when we avoid costs we are focused on the potential
negative outcomes and feelings that we are trying to avoid. Therefore, having sex as an
expression of love and as a means to deepen and strengthen the relationship tends to be a selffulfilling prophecy.
Communicating about Sex
Many couples feel awkward about communicating about sex and therefore avoid it. However, if
we are to use it to benefit our relationships, then it is worth talking about. Communicating openly
and honestly about sex increases sexual satisfaction, because it engages the partners
psychologically and emotionally, and enables partners to be aware of and responsive to each
other’s needs and desires.
Importantly, this communication goes beyond partners’ physical needs and desires, but their
emotional ones too. This helps women in particular to feel more engaged and content. It also
reduces the distance and misunderstandings that inevitably arise from the interpersonal gap that
we learned about in Lesson 3. Simply, we cannot know what the other person is thinking and
feeling if we do not talk about it, and if we are inaccurate about what we think the other person is
thinking and feeling, we cannot connect with them.
Relationship Satisfaction
Sexual satisfaction depends on relationship satisfaction. If we are dissatisfied with our
relationship, it is unlikely that we will be satisfied with our sexual relationship – at least not in
the long run. When our relationship is stressful and partners are unhappy with each other, we are
unlikely to want to connect or we may be unable to relax and enjoy the encounter.
Sexual Coercion
Sexual coercion occurs when a partner forces, pressures, cajoles or induces someone to have
sexual relations with them. Coercion includes making the person feel guilty or making promises
of rewards, threatening them verbally or physically, or getting them intoxicated. Sexual behavior
does not only refer to penetration, but also to touching, fondling or even spying and stalking.
Any unwanted sexual behavior is a boundary violation, which can range from being subtle to
severe.
Traditional gender roles portray men as being the hunters, who must persist in gaining the reward
of sex, while women are portrayed as having to withhold it. This puts men and women in an
adversarial relationship, and tends to promote men pressuring women to ‘give it up’ or even
taking it forcefully. Any boundary violation shows disrespect, and this is hardly a good
foundation for a satisfying, lasting relationship.
Although most men and women do not coerce others to have sex with them, a frighteningly high
rate of women have been physically sexually coerced, while a high rate of men have been
verbally sexually coerced. Coercing someone to have sex is not a loving or compassionate act. In
fact, it displays the person’s bad intentions and lack of empathy and respect. People who have
been sexually coerced suffer not only physically, but emotionally and mentally during and after
the incident. If they were victimized by their partner, the damage tends to be more severe.
Avoiding Sexual Coercion
There are several ways to avoid being the victim of sexual coercion:
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Avoid partners who see sex as a contest or as a way to fulfill their own emotional issues
since they will have their interests at heart and not yours.
Avoid being intoxicated. Beware of drugs and alcohol, and avoid partners who use
substances. A high rate of sexual coercion occurs when one or both parties are
intoxicated.
Be assertive when you resist unwanted advances. Be frank.
Avoid unwanted advances in the first place by having clear, firm boundaries and direct
discussions. Misinterpretations and misunderstandings can be avoided in this way.
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Remember that your partner is an equal partner and not an object. Their needs and desires
are as important as yours.
Conclusion
In this lesson, we have covered the complex topics of love and sexuality. We started by
considering what love means to us, and then we moved onto the triangular theory of love where
we delved into an investigation of romantic, companionate and compassionate love. We looked
at the various cultural and individual factors that influence the way we experience and express
love, and then we moved onto the subject of sexuality. We discussed how views on sexuality
have changed in recent decades and the typical first time sexual encounters of teenagers today.
We then moved onto looking at the sexual behaviors of committed couples, infidelity, sexual
satisfaction and sexual coercion.
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“A graph of births per 1000 females aged 15 to 19 years, by race and hispanic ethnicity, 2007 to
2015. The rates declined for all populations, but there are differences. The highest to lowest rates
for the different populations are hispanic, non-hispanic black, American Indian/Alaska Native,
non-Hispanic White, and Asian/Pacific Islander.” by
https://www.cdc.gov/teenpregnancy/images/about/about-teen-birth-rates-1991-2015-585px.jpg.