Smarthinking Tutor Response Form

Your tutor has written overview comments about your essay in the form below. Your tutor has also embedded comments [in bold and in brackets] within your essay. Thank you for choosing Smarthinking to help you improve your writing!

Hello, Negar! I am Cati M, and I look forward to working with you on this Essay Center Review to improve your writing today. Let’s get started!

*Writing Strength: You let your readers know in the first sentence what the name of the story is and who the author is, which helps to orientate the readers right from the beginning.

Main Idea/Thesis

The thesis statement you have typed in bold lettering is not very clear in terms of the discussion in your essay, Negar. This means that readers will not be completely clear about what the main idea of your essay is.

We can examine your thesis statement:

· “The audience is taken on a precarious, risky, and slightly exciting journey where an old woman, Phoenix Jackson is determined to ensure that she completes the journey even though she is fragile and suffering from poverty and hallucination illustrating the theme of struggles and unconditional love.”

In the first place, you are discussing a story, not a play. What would be a more correct word for “audience”?

Your thesis statement should be more of a summary of what the discussion of the essay will be. You should show the topic, or main idea, and what your comment on it is. You can then show a list of what each paragraph will discuss.

The description you have given of what happens is more properly introductory material than part of a thesis statement.

If the main idea of the essay is to illustrate the themes of unconditional love and the struggles of life this should be made clear first.

· How important is the use of symbolism as part of the main idea of your essay?

· What is the main focus of each paragraph?

It would benefit you to look at Developing a Thesis (Chapter 2: Section 4, Lesson 2) in the Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook.

*Negar 11792784, you requested help with Content Development:

You need to ensure that the topic sentences of your paragraphs show the focus of the paragraphs otherwise the essay seems to ramble a bit and your paragraph unity is lost.

This essay is not just a synopsis of the story, but a discussion of how the story uses symbolism to illustrate a theme, so each paragraph should focus on an aspect of this symbolism or a designated section of the story. Let us look at the topic sentence of your second body paragraph:

· “Upon reading further, we realize that the only motivation of this old woman living is seeing her grandson back to good health.”

The paragraph then discusses obstacles she encounters on her trip to town There is no further discussion of her grandson’s health, of why he is ill or of his prognosis until the last sentence.

The second sentence in the paragraph more realistically shows the focus of the paragraph.

· “The central idea is that love is capable of empowering a person making it easy for them to overcome very many obstacles.”

*Negar 11792784, you requested help with Introduction/Conclusion:

Your introduction would benefit from a bit more background detail to help your readers know more about the situation you will describe in your essay and prepare them for your thesis statement.

This detail is necessary because of other themes besides love in the story , as the other themes enhance the theme of love.

· Where is the old woman going?

· Why is she making the journey?

· How is she travelling?

· If you think her race is important in the story, what race is she?

· What does she encounter as well as difficulties and challenges?

Summary of Next Steps:

· Clarify your thesis statement.

· Ensure that topic sentences show the focus of their paragraphs.

· Use more background detail in your introduction.

Thank you for submitting your essay for a review, Negar. I enjoyed helping you with this step in the revision process. Have a good day!

You can find more information about writing, grammar, and usage in the Smarthinking Writer’s Handbook.

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Please look for comments [in bold and in brackets] in your essay below. Thank you for submitting your work to Smarthinking! We hope to see you again soon.

Negar Tabrizi

Professor Paul

LIT-204-WIO1

January 21, 2021

The Power of Love

One of the favorite books that I read this semester is Eudora Welty’s story “A Worn Path”. I love this piece because of its sense of symbolism that the author used to capturing the struggles of life and love. The author meticulously used Symbolism of how love can an individual persist challenges and obstacles to meet their objectives. [This sentence seems to be missing some words that would make it clearer to the readers. What can love do for an individual who needs to persist? What is the preposition needed to show the relationship between the verb “persist” and the nouns “challenges and obstacles?”] The audience is taken on a precarious, risky, and slightly exciting journey where an old woman, Phoenix Jackson is determined to ensure that she completes the journey even though she is fragile and suffering from poverty and hallucination illustrating the theme of struggles and unconditional love.

Through the old woman’s journey into the town, we realize that she was going to buy medication for her grandson who was sick. [If this paragraph is meant to be about the physical difficulties posed by the Grandmother’s age, as partially indicated by your thesis, then your topic sentence is not accurately showing the focus of the paragraph. Perhaps something along the lines of the example following might be helpful in constructing a topic sentence for this paragraph: .“Mary’s persistence in continuing with her degree in spite of her disabilities showed her determination to succeed.”] This was an illustration that loves and affection trumps everything because the aged woman known as Phoenix Jackson is determined to ensure that she completes the journey even though she is fragile and suffering from poverty and hallucination. The author shows a poor, old and weak grandmother who is in torn clothes with an improvised cane and who is walking in chilly weather conditions. This helps in creating a vivid and real-life as it may seem to the reader.

Upon reading further, we realize that the only motivation of this old woman living is seeing her grandson back to good health. The central idea is that love is capable of empowering a person making it easy for them to overcome very many obstacles. Phoenix Jackson comes across many obstacles on her way. These obstacles hinder her journey but she stays put and determined. One of the major obstacles that she faces is her old age. These are physical aspects that hinder her from realizing her dream. Phoenix Jackson is described by the author as a weak and feeble woman something that makes her journey very arduous. [You have omitted a comma that is necessary to separate a non-essential element from the main clause. The clause beginning with “something …” is not grammatically essential to the structure of the sentence. It tells us more about the “ … feeble woman.” Hence, it is a non-essential element. Where would you put the comma that separates this from the main clause?] Another instance was when she was required to creep through the barbed wire fence. However, Phoenix Jackson was determined to endure all these for her grandson to regain back his health.

Nature is another obstacle that she faces in her journey to the town. a good example is that she was required to go down a hill and she got trapped by some spikes along her way to getting her son’s medication. She was seen talking to the thorns as they held her dress. “Thorns, you are doing your appointed work. Never want to let folks pass, no sir. Old eyes thought you were a pretty little green bush” (Welty p22). All these obstacles that she faces along the journey are used as symbols to illustrate the unexpected obstacles that we face and are required to triumph over on the course of life. Phoenix Jackson keeps going forward and winning over the obstacles that she faces on her journey with courageous stoicism. During her journey, Phoenix Jackson signifies the walk of life that people go through to make sure that their loved ones are happy. The story has illustrated that indeed, the journey was very long. The speaker for example says that “out of my way, all you foxes, owls, beetles, jack, rabbits, cocoons…. I got a long way” (Welty p1). The hunter that she meets along the way also in their conversation illustrated that the journey to town was indeed a long one. “That’s too far! That is as far as I walk when I come out of myself, and I get something for my trouble” (Welty p3). This journey can be compared with stories of family members donating body organs like kidney to their loved ones as a form of love despite the risks associated with the exercise. Worn Path also represents the walk of life in the course of many challenges but with determination, she gets to the destination.

In surmise, we can say that “The worn path” is a reflection of love. The readers see her leap of determination and commitment of the woman making sure that she gets the medication for her grandson despite the challenges she encounters. The love Phoenix Jackson had for her grandson is what gave her the strength and determination to reach her destination. Although many of us may have never had to deal with hardships and had to deal with them as much as Phoenix did, there is something about this tale that reminds us of our own lives. At some time, we may have felt alone and thus we have something similar with this situation.

Work cited

Welty, Eudora, and Elizabeth Sarcone. A worn path. Creative Education, 1991